Reach for the Stars....unless it involves doing something

So you've probably noticed that I haven't posted anything in awhile....it turns out 9 is the transition stage from funny and cute--to sassy and SASSY.

Soooo.....those of you with small children--soak up the funny stuff while you can...it declines quickly....and NO, you're still not allowed to lock them in the basement--I checked.

Last week the Tot was telling me that she wants to climb Mt. Everest.  Clearly not impossible....however....I don't feel qualified to teach her how to do this....at all....and it turns out, in her opinion, I'm not qualified to give her advice on reaching goals either.

"Mom, I want to climb Mt. Everest someday."
"Nice goal...do you know some things you'll have to do to prepare?"
"Probably"
"We could go hiking this weekend--that would be a good start"
"Ugh....I HAAAAAAAAATE hiking"
"hmmmm.....then maybe climbing a mountain isn't for you"
"Well....Hiking has so many trees....climbing Mt. Everest would just be a smooooooth trip the whole way"
"Well....you have to teach your body how to climb higher and higher"
"FORGET IT.....YOU DON'T KNOW WHAT I MEAN!!!!!!!!!!!"


funny/cute -----------------> sassy/SASSY

Tattle Tale

I don't know where in the DNA it's encoded but for some reason kids have this inate NEED to tattle.  It's NEVER important....no one is ever in danger...it's about lame, insignificant details...usually to benefit themselves.  It's also usually about someone their OWN age...not the tot...it's her mission to out me on almost everything.

Case and point:
I went and ate lunch with Casserole a few weeks ago...exiting the bathroom I see one of her classmates....

"Hi Lilly"
"How did you know my name?"
"I'm Taytum's mom...Becca"
"Oh, yeah!!! Taytum told me you swear at her"
"Oh...I don't...she made that up"

Fast Forward to Taytum getting home from school

"God dammit Taytum, why the hell did you tell Lilly I swear at you?!?!"  Hahahaa kidding....but I did ask her why she told her friend that I swear at her...

"Because you do"
"Not everyday!"

Hahaa....make sure when your kid starts talking ....you enforce the "What happens at home stays at home" law...or I guess just don't swear at them...but good luck with that!

I'm Rubber...You're Glue

A fun part of having a school-age kid is getting to hear all the old sayings that WE used...and some new ones...and I must say...kids' creativity has gone to shit.

Case and Point:

"Mom, You're Cool"
"Preachin' to the choir Tot."

Pause:  I usually send people Memorandums notifying them that I'm cool sooooo I was a little surprised she didn't KNOW this already--especially since she has her own EMAIL ADDRESS!!!...public school systems have gotten better with teaching technology earlier--I don't remember learning how to turn on a computer until 4th grade when I rocked the hell out of some Oregon Trail.

UnPause:
"Noooooo....You're C.O.O.L....Constipated, Overgrown, Oversized, Loser!!!!"
"Hmmm....that's lame....Overgrown and Oversized sorta mean the same thing....back to the drawing board TODD (Read "I'm right you're wrong if you haven't already").

I'm Right ....You're Wrong

I don't know the exact moment I lost ALL credibility with the Tot but I'm NEVER right.  Since this is NOT congruent with my personality we often spend 20 minutes or longer disputing things that are well....STUPID.

Case and Point...

While reading aloud to me, Taytum said "Aunt Carl"...so I chimed in and suggested that maybe it was Aunt Carol.
"Nooooooo...It's Carl!"
"Hmmm.....well Carl is typically a boys name so I'll tell you how to spell Carl and you tell me if it's the same"
"Whatever"
"C-A-R-L or K-A-R-L...what does it say in the book?"
(NO RESPONSE--BLANK STARE)
"It's Carl"
(I go sit by her and ask to see and she refuses to let me see it) STINKER!! So I did the mature thing and waited until she went to the bathroom and looked--it was Carol--I'm going to call her Todd from now on until she admits it was Carol.  Luckily for all of you with small children--I teach parenting classes since I'm so good at it--holla if you want in :)

I'm assuming this EVERYDAY behavior is mostly related to her being: 1) 9-years-old and 2)a girl ---aaaaaaand if "What goes around, comes around" is in fact a true theory--I'm EFFED--I was a major jerk to my parents : /

Tayter-Tot Casserole--of quotes

This is going to be like the VMAs of Tot quotes--I've been super lazy and they're building up soooo before I forget them... here are some ridic things this little Casserole has thrown at me over the last few months

-Blow drying my hair: 
"Mom?, did you TRY to make your hair that color?"
"Sorta--why?"
"You look Goth"

-Just chillin'
"Mom? wouldn't you be soooo freaked out if someone lifted up your pant legs?"
"Random...why would someone lift up my pant leg?"
"Just pretend!...like you were at the mall..and someone lifted up your pant legs to see your legs--wouldn't you be soooo embarrassed?!?"
"Whhyyyyyyy would this happen and why would I be embarrassed?"
"becauuuuse--you have all those freckles!!"

-Driving to school
"Mom, I'd rather barf than listen to this song--can we CHANGE it?"

-Grocery Shopping
"Mom, do you ever scare strangers?"
"Not intentionally--whyyy?"
"I just did"

-Self Examination
"Mom? Can you tell what nipple my teacher elbowed me in?"
"WHAAAAAAT?"
"My teacher elbowed me in my nipple and now one is bigger than the other--you can totally tell! And it hurts!"
"I...can't...tell..."
"Yes you can...LOOK!"

-Pick up
"Mom? Have I had all my shots?"
(laughter)"yes, but you're not spayed, why?"
"In class today I was suuuuper itchy and Ms Sara said maybe I had chicken pox and asked if I had gotten the shot"
"yes...you've had your 'shots'"

Ear Muffs!

For those of you with babies or toddlers who have found yourself saying "I can't wait until they can talk"...this may change your mind :)

For some reason...the more quietly you speak...the more your child chooses to tune in.  I could tell Taytum to brush her teeth 27 times and get zero response...I whisper ANYTHING...and she asks me 20 questions about what I'm talking about...especially if any type of food is involved.

If you think your kid isn't listening because they are:
a) not physically in the same room
b) you're talking discretely

You're WRONG ....they're listening....case AND point...

"Mom, I told Nana something today that was bothering me..."
"What was it?"
"Well...she always tells me to come to her if something is bothering me..."
"Yep, that's good--what's bothering you?"
"Well, I told her that sometimes when I go to bed...You and Aunt Robin stay up in the Kitchen and talk bad about her..."

(Picked up dropped jaw)

Pause:  Morally, She did the "right thing" ...so I struggled with whether or not I should threaten to NOT buy the Unicorn I've been promising since she was 4 or to embrace her willingness to throw me under the bus so her feelings could be acknowledged.  I went with the later...unpause.

"Thaaaat's grrreeeat Tay, I'm glad you were able to talk about your feelings"
"Well it does bother me"
"Sorry, I'm glad you went to Nana, and you can come to me and Aunt Robin too..."

Moral of the story--your kid is always listening and they WILL stab you in the back if you talk smack about their Nana.

I am thankful for the kid's table

Most parents do a great job at instilling table manners in their kids when they turn into a human from a baby--I did.  Here's the thing--like with EVERYTHING else and kids--you have to continue to remind them how to act/behave while eating. 
Imagine Tatyum at a dinner table....yes, it's as funny as you're picturing it and yes, it's as gross as you're picturing it.
It has enlightened me on why the kid's table was invented at holidays.
Several years ago Taytum interrupted Thanksgiving dinner to leave the table and show us, including my Grandma, her impression of a snake (this asside waaaaaas incredibly hilarious).  However, the look on my Grandma's face--pure confusion.  I don't think kids left the dinner table to do snake impressions back in the day : /
A year or two after that Thanksgiving Taytum interrupted dinner to get out of her seat and show us, including my Grandma, the "Sprinkler" and the "Shopping Cart" (again...hilarious...not at the dinner table--on Thanksgiving--with my Grandma) ha
THIS YEAR...the year that has determined we will be purchasing a kid's table, even though Tayter is the ONLY child...she has earned herself her own table...

Tay:  "I tricked a boy in my class the other day"
Me:  "Oh yeah?"
Tay:  "Yeah, I made him think I was barfing"
Me:  "Taytum...not now..we're eating"
Tay:  "It's okay...it doesn't get gross or anything"
Me:  "Yeah but you need to practice not talking about bodily funcitons/fluids at the table--when you eat at other people's homes they will not enjoy this"
Tay:  "I know, I don't--really, it's not gross, I'll tell you, it's really funny..."
(She proceeds to do both the actions, facial expressions, and the sound effects of actual barfing)
Me:  "Well at least it didn't get gross"
Tay:  "it was sooooo funny...he thought I was really barfing"

We will have a kid's table by Christmas!